


Broken Boy

by yourrhinestoneeyes



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trauma, Violence, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-04-05 05:32:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4167789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourrhinestoneeyes/pseuds/yourrhinestoneeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skwisgaar and Toki always fight, it's never anything too severe. That is until Toki gets mad enough to actually leave and go back to his parents home in Norway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Communication

Fighting for them wasn't abnormal. On some days it looked as if it were a way for them to communicate. 

When most people would say good morning then go on to talk about the news or the weather Toki and Skwisgaar went around it differently. One would do something and the other would scoff or point it out as stupid or childish, the other would shoot back the other was a filthy slut, and it would go from there. Their band mates ignored it, because it was the way the two Scandinavians chose to communicate and who the fuck were they to tell somebody to stop fighting?

Now on other days it was different, but it appeared that only one of them could see that.

This was one of the days where the tension between the two was real and the line to be crossed was more than visible, it was written out in neon lettering for them to see.

The two fighting over music happened. There was a time where they never fought over music and both of them deeply missed those days, they wouldn't admit it. Skwisgaar missed the days Toki would sit with him on his bed and take interest in music, help him write and record. Toki missed the days he could sit and spend hours just listening to Skwisgaar ramble on and on about guitar. Their dynamic had changed within months of their band going big, a year later, and it felt like Toki did nearly less than Murderface if that were even possible. 

“I should get lead credit, I barely get credit for rhythm. I play rhythm guitar!” Toki shouted angrily, he picked his guitar up and held it up in the air for the taller unimpressed man to see.

The Swede stood perfectly still, arms folded over his chest and just looked down at his young friend like he was an errant child. Considering he was only nineteen years old he really was just a bratty child.

“Credit? What the fuck do you want credit for Tokis? You sit and you do nothing, you just complain, and when we tried to get you to record you threw a fucking fit.”

“I wasn't in the mood to play that day.”

The older man scoffed, “Not in the mood. That's not what this is about, you're so stupid. Stop holding your guitar like that's supposed to fucking mean something, because I think it's the first time you've picked the dumb thing up in months now.”

“Fuck you Skwisgaar, you're just jealous.”

“Jealous of what? You don't play, when you do play it sounds like complete shit.”

Toki gripped tightly the neck of the guitar and gritted his teeth.

Nobody else felt like intervening. Nathan was ignoring the scene, Murderface slept, and Pickles hoped they would just eventually chill the fuck out....Or maybe beat each other up a bit.

“If I play so fucking badly then why put me in the band? Why the fuck am I here if I'm so terrible, tell me that Mr. I know everything.”

“I put you in, because I felt sorry for you, it was a big mistake. You're a waste of our time, you don't contribute. I wish I hadn't felt bad for you and put you in our band, you're just holding us back.”

There was the line.

Skwisgaar was too socially off to even realize that he'd crossed it, that he'd snapped something in his friend's brain and heart. He didn't realize until Toki threw the guitar at him, if he hadn't ducked it would have smashed into his face.

“You know what, you're right I shouldn't be here. You shouldn't have put me in your stupid band, if you don't want me here so badly then I'll just leave and go back to Norway.”

Skwisgaar eyed his young friend trying to gauge how serious he was. He looked serious, he looked angry, and like he might cry. For a second he considered dropping the snobbish facade and reaching a middle ground, but then he reminded himself of the billion other times they fought like this. Toki never left, he'd go off to his room and talk to his stupid teddy bear or call Rockso and cry to him. He never actually meant it when he said he was going to run off.

“Fine, I don't care.”

Toki's shoulders dropped, the tension left his body and he just stood there staring up at the older guitarist. He gave one more glare before deciding to leave the recording studio, as he past the blond haired man he roughly shoved him nearly knocking him on his ass.

When he left slamming the door behind him there was some odd finality to it that made everybody feel uncomfortable. 

“You don't think he was serious?” Pickles asked looking at Skwisgaar who still looked annoyed by the fight.

“Psh he's never serious. Stupid little baby, just go cry in his room.”

He seated himself between the drummer and the now awake bassist. The two of them looked at him expecting him to run after Toki at least to tell him to stop acting like a brat and to make sure they weren't losing another guitarist. They really doubted that they could find another guitarist.

“What?”

“Nothin....Just eh whatever, yeah you're right the kid will be fine.”

“Of course I'm right, now let's get back to work. We got a deadline don't we?”

Skwisgaar knew he was right about this. He'd known Toki since he was sixteen, he always looked after him, and they always fought like this. It never meant anything, the kid was smart enough to realize that it meant nothing.


	2. He'll Come Back...Right?

The recording process went a million times more smoothly without Toki hanging around. Even with Murderface's constant never seeming to end whining they managed to get a lot done. Skwisgaar was impressed with it. He still felt a bit guilty about fighting with the youngest member of their group and upsetting him that badly, but he figured he would go apologize to him after everything got wrapped up.

Not that he was the best with apologies, nowhere near as bad as Nathan was. Still he wasn't completely sure how to go about it. It wasn't like he had been wrong about the things he had said; Toki didn't practice and he assumed just because they were successful now that he had no need to do a fucking thing. It drove them all insane, it made Skwisgaar feel like shit that he had chosen this one person out of thousands of others to be in their band, but he didn't do anything. He just wanted the benefits of being in a band, of having a nice living situation. A cynical part of his mind wondered if Toki just wanted a place to be, that he didn't care one bit about the music or their band.

It was a stupid thing to think and it even made him irritated with himself to think of such things.

Still he had no way to apologize to his friend. Go to his room, knock, then go in whether he got a reply or not. He'd stand there, Toki would glare at him for awhile then tell him to get out, and Skwisgaar would mumble something closely resembling possibly an apology. He'd suggest they go drink and watch Food Network, Toki would still be angry at him, but he'd be willing to go and pal around with him.

The usual routine. Nothing bad, that sounded good actually. Skwisgaar could use a drink or two, he could use hearing Toki make snide violent comments about the people on TV in his native tongue. He liked hearing his friend speak in Norwegian, he had to admit there was something kind of arousing to it, to the wide array he had when it came to what he could say.

He smirked thinking about the first time he'd heard his friend go off on Murderface in Norwegian. Nobody had understood a thing that the kid had been yelling, but Skwisgaar had caught onto every vulgar word and phrasing. He'd heard things come from the kid that he had never heard before in his twenty-five years of life and he couldn't help but laugh and be proud of the rhythm guitarist. Still to this day it entertained him to hear his friend curse in his language. When they could speak their native tongues everything went more smoothly.

It was English they struggled with. Maybe if Skwisgaar apologized in Swedish. That could work. He could tell him more that way; admit he was just upset and scared that Toki didn't care about music as much as he used to. He could tell him that he missed the days where they would sit and play guitar together, make jokes, and Toki would look at him like he was the greatest thing in the world instead of looking at him like the biggest pain in the ass.

For the last half hour of recording Skwisgaar thought about the way things were before their band got big. All of the nights spent talking about music with Toki, talking about their home countries without speaking much at all about their families. The compliments and praises they would give one another, the way Skwisgaar used to mentally kick himself for letting his thoughts wander when it came to his friend.

Even now he was angry with himself for thinking that way; thinking about what it would be like kissing him, all the times in the past that he could have done so.

He worked his best to keep the thoughts at bay. He focused on music, focused on their work until it was time to go and do whatever they all wanted to do. He knew his friends would gather in the hot tub and drink, he'd join them at some point. He just needed to grovel without the grovelling first.

On his way to Toki's room he thought it over, whispered to himself in Swedish the ways he could put it.

He could either half ass apologize in English or he could go for Swedish and tell him he knew he was being an asshole, but that Toki was being one too. Not that that sounded too great either...

The less he said the better off he would most likely be.

At the younger musician's room Skwisgaar knocked on the door then opened it a second later, but to his surprise there was no moping figure at the desk in the corner or curled up on the bed. It was completely vacated, vacated to the point that it felt like nobody had ever lived in the room before. It made Skwisgaar feel uneasy, caused that anxious pit in his stomach that made him itch to be anywhere near his guitar even though he'd just spent seven hours playing it.

Maybe Toki went out. It was possible. If he was out then he was drinking and if he was drinking then he was with Rockso and that meant two stumbling drunken idiots in the house at ungodly hours of the morning and night....Nathan would be pissed and Murderface would have another gay crisis. At least then that meant Toki would come back, even if he'd be drunk and probably twice as bitchy towards him. Even then he'd probably pass out in Skwisgaar's room after ranting about how stupid and ugly he thought he was.

The blond felt an odd sense of relief thinking about it. That was it. He'd be back.

Skwisgaar decided to not stress over it anymore. He went to his bedroom to play guitar and to wait for his drunken friend to stumble in and give him Hell for being a narcissistic whore.


	3. Waiting On Your Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-write of this chapter

Despite how many hours that day he had spent playing guitar, recording tracks, re-recording guitar and bass parts Skwisgaar still couldn’t sleep. He spent his night tossing and turning, not that it was entirely uncommon for him to have a hard time sleeping. Anytime he was in a situation where there were no men or women in his bed he found it near impossible to fall asleep. He didn’t really enjoy being alone, going to sleep alone, and then waking up alone. Nothing about it felt right to him. With how hard he had been working that day and with worrying about Toki after their fight he hadn’t even considered finding men or women to join him that night. He’d just wanted to go to bed, sleep in hopes to kill time until his friend would come back home.

Each time he did start to drift off to sleep he would wake up each time he’d hear any type of sound. Every creak, every voice outside his room, and every sound he imagined he thought was Toki. He scolded himself each time he would be startled awake; he would sit up quickly and look around his empty dark room with a sense of hopefulness that made him feel like a stupid child all over again. This was the way he had been as a kid, the times his mother went out for days on end for her ‘jobs’. Every sound he thought would be his mother returning, but he would still be completely alone. Skwisgaar hated staying up nights waiting for people to come back, he hated being made to care enough to worry about their well-being. He didn’t want to worry that Toki might be in jail or had gotten seriously hurt in a fight, the worrying was an annoyance.

By four in the morning Skwisgaar gave up on sleep all together, it wasn’t going to happen. Thirty after four he found himself tapping his fingers against his leg and fighting the urge to go check Toki’s room. 

He could be back, could have come back a while ago. The mansion was large enough that he could come back and Skwisgaar wouldn’t know about it, why would he know? Toki was still most probably pissed off at him. He was still a bit annoyed at himself for the things he had said and the way that he had stated them; he didn’t regret putting the teenager into their band. It was the best thing he’d done for them and honestly for himself.

Not that he could find a way to say that without it sounding weird or gay, but he did need him in the band. He needed the feeling of competition, to play alongside somebody who played because they needed it. To a degree Skwisgaar was still mad at him, mad that his young friend gave up so quickly like this was all some stupid game that didn’t mean a thing when in reality it meant everything. 

After more sitting then laying then sitting again Skwisgaar climbed out of bed, pulled his jeans on, and headed off towards Toki’s room.

As much as he hated his friend getting wasted and passing out covered in bruises and vomit, Skwisgaar would be more than elated to find his friend in that state right now. Just to know he was back home, that when Toki woke up hung over that he could lecture him on why he shouldn’t drink so heavily. He could help him get cleaned up and they could without apologizing and killing their stubborn dignity to back to the way things were before Skwisgaar got that mad at him.

He wanted that so badly, he just wanted his friend to be home even if he came back in horrible shape. Just to know he hadn’t taken those things seriously, that he wasn’t out in the bad parts of the city on the streets with no way home. 

Skwisgaar stood outside of Toki’s room unsure if he should knock, go in, or just say fuck it to the whole thing. He didn’t even know why he was driving himself so crazy over some kid he had picked up on the streets not too long ago. The intense amount of guilt and anxiety in his mind told him he knew exactly why he was worrying so badly over some homeless kid he had found on the streets. After a bit more of stalling and second guessing he opened the door hoping to reveal his drunken and pouting friend.

Nothing was what he found instead. The room was vacant; it looked as if nobody had been in here for quite some time, but that wasn’t too abnormal. Toki always took freakishly good care of his things, even with servants he still preferred to take care of his space. 

Skwisgaar cautiously stepped into the room feeling like he shouldn’t even be there in the first place. He looked around for any sign Toki might have dropped by at any point even if it was just to drop something off, he just needed to know his friend might come back soon. 

He sat down on the small twin sized bed feeling out of place. He didn’t get why Toki wanted such a small sized bed, he was nearly too tall for it, and Skwisgaar was much too tall to fit even remotely comfortably on it. He didn’t get a lot of things about his friend though. He didn’t get why he decorated his room with war plane models, why he had photos of his very eerie and dead eyed parents up on his wall behind his bed, or why he almost always had to sleep with that dumb stuffed bear. It was all things Skwisgaar didn’t understand, but he never questioned it all that much; maybe occasionally they would tease or make fun of Toki for the things that he liked to have around, but they didn’t mean much by it.

It was just the way they were, the way they always had been. The four of them knew each other well enough to act that way, to insult each other while knowing it didn’t really mean a whole lot. Toki was still really young though and he was still new to their band, he hadn’t been there the day they decided to start a band. He hadn’t had to stay in their dumpy apartment for longer than two months, after that they were all moved into a custom made mansion. They did their best to treat him like they treated each other, fuck with him like they did before they even knew he existed. In the end he still wasn’t there from the get go; he wasn’t there when Nathan, Pickles, and Magnus started up the idea of a band. He had probably still been in Norway then.

Not that they weren’t grateful to have him, he was better than Magnus. He was young, he was bratty, lazy, and temperamental; he still wasn’t a psychopath though. Skwisgaar genuinely enjoyed having Toki around, he couldn’t remember the last time he had enjoyed having Magnus around.

The blond picked up the stuffed toy that lay discarded on the bed, he held it against his chest when he lay on his side curled up doing his best to fit on the bed. He studied the stuffed toy, he smiled fondly when he thought about the day he gave the stupid thing to Toki. It had been one of those gestures he had done his best to pass off as ‘whatever’, but it still came off as caring. He’d mostly meant it as a means to get Toki to stop sleeping with him every other night, to get him to stay in his own bedroom. Though Skwisgaar had always much preferred Toki coming into his room in the middle of the night awkwardly asking if he could sleep with him over having Magnus barge into his room to beat on him and drag him out of bed.

Skwisgaar pulled his phone out of his pocket and pulled up his friend’s number. He needed to know where the Hell he was at, when he might be coming back so that he could stop feeling like such an asshole.

He waited and in a moment he heard Toki’s phone ringing from nearby. Skwisgaar sat up and looked towards the source of the sound, the night stand that sat by the bed. He pulled open the drawer to find the phone lit up and vibrating.

“Fucking Toki” He muttered to himself, he ended the call on his own phone causing the one in the drawer to stop ringing.

Great so he had no real way to get in touch with him now. If he was out getting wasted then he’d come back, eventually, if he was hurt, or dead Skwisgaar wouldn’t know about it. This really was starting to drive him insane.

He didn’t want to care this deeply about it, but he found that he did care. He found that this was seriously fucking with his anxiety. Skwisgaar got off of the bed, he went to the closet opening it in search of Toki’s guitar. Wherever he had run off to Skwisgaar knew that he wouldn’t have his guitar with him, he never even knew where it was half of the time. Skwisgaar found the instrument leaning against the wall next to boxes that contained god knows what. He picked it up and returned to the bed, he sat with his back to the wall and began tuning it until it was where he needed for it to be. 

It felt wrong to be playing Toki’s guitar, but he didn’t feel like leaving his friend’s room long enough to retrieve his own. This would do and besides the instrument needed to be played at least every once in a while instead of being sat to the side like it had no use. He wondered if he could find a more constructive way to get Toki interested in playing guitar again. It would be a way for them to spend time together like it used to be, Toki liked spending time with him, but never to play music. He just wanted to hang out with him, drink, and do anything else that wasn’t work. 

Maybe if Toki tried to practice guitar more Skwisgaar could repay him with sexual favors, he smirked at the idea.

He liked to think Toki would go for that, that he felt some attraction to him. If Toki came back home soon maybe they could talk about that too or Skwisgaar could awkwardly flirt with him in hopes of some returned sentiment. 

He had so many ideas and scenarios in his head of what it would be like when Toki came back whether he was pissed or over it or stinking drunk. Skwisgaar was sure they could talk or Toki could be angry with him and they could make out passionately, something, or anything. None of them would happen, when Toki came back home Skwisgaar knew they wouldn’t talk much at all. He knew that Toki would be mad at him for being in his room, touching his stuff, and Skwisgaar would be a dick to him before leaving to go to his own room and brood. Even that would be okay, just so he would be safe back in Mordhaus.

It wasn’t long until he found himself falling to sleep on his departed friend’s bed, all in the hopes he’d wake up to a very agitated Norwegian yelling at him to wake up and get the fuck out.


	4. Twin Sized Bed

“So what you need a second bedroom to yourself now?”

Skwisgaar startled awake at the sound of the Wisconsin accent. He quickly sat up shoving Toki’s stuffed bear and his guitar to the side and combed his fingers through the tangled mess of his hair in an attempt at composing himself.

“What, no; I just fell asleep in here waiting for stupid Toki to get home.”

The drummer stood in the doorway smirking.

“Dude he’s not coming back, not anytime soon anyway.”

The Swede furrowed his brow in confusion.

“What, what do you mean by that?”

“Uh remember, fight you guys had? Kid fucking stormed off and told Charles that he’s leaving the band for a while.”

Skwisgaar found himself unsteadily climbing out of the too small bed and getting to his feet, all the while Pickles watched him with a mild drunken amount of amusement.

“What are you talking about, I just thought he went off to pout.”

Pickles shrugged, he took another drink from the bottle of beer that he held in his hand.

“Technically he is off somewhere pouting, just off in Norway at his parents’ house or some shit.”

“What?”

The drummer rolled his eyes, he took another drink while Skwisgaar waited anxiously to get an explanation to this whole thing.

“You acted like a dick, the kid got pissed, and stormed off to go spend some down time with his parents back in Norway. I thought you knew this shit man.”

Skwisgaar tapped his fingers nervously against his leg as he thought over what he’d just been told. He hadn’t meant for Toki to leave the band, he wasn’t supposed to leave the band. He was just supposed to go out drinking with Rockso then come stumbling back hating Skwisgaar less than he had the day before. He wasn’t supposed to go off to Norway. When would he come back, was he even coming back?

“Why the fuck would he do that?”

“Cause you kind of fucking kicked him out.”

The taller man let out a sound of pure frustration. He hated this. He had no way to get into contact with him, Toki hadn’t taken his phone; it seemed like he hadn’t taken much of anything with him. Skwisgaar felt himself calm a bit at that realization.

“He’s coming back though?”

“I dunno, probably. You know how the kid is, he gets pissed, throws a fit, and then comes back when he calms the fuck down.”

Okay that was true, Skwisgaar was feeling calmer now. He still felt like shit about the entire situation, but he felt better knowing that Toki would end up back home. He’d come back when he was less upset, he just needed time to calm down. Things would be fine, Pickles was right.

“Yeah…He’ll come back. Stupid Toki off pouting…”

“This is really freaking you out isn’t it?” Pickles asked obviously amused by this situation.

Skwisgaar glared at him, “No of course not, that would involve caring.”

Though he did care, a lot. He cared way more than he wanted to care about this, he had from the get go. He didn’t want to care this much about some kid off the street, why the hell did he care so much about some kid off the street?

“So you aren’t worried at all he’s not coming back?” 

“You said he’ll come back, not like he left for good, and he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. I’m not worried.”

He folded his arms across his chest, he could feel himself get defensive over this. 

Pickles bit back the urge to laugh at his band mate and how pissy he was getting about this whole thing.

“Right, so you don’t want to go check on him or anything like that?”

“No that would be fucking stupid, I don’t care what the little dildo is doing in Norway. He can be playing in another band for all I care, fuck up somebody else’s music.” 

Pickles continued to stand in the doorway and drink while Skwisgaar went on with rambling about how he didn’t care if Toki came back home at all.

“Idiot is probably in his parent’s house not even knowing what to do without us. Why would he go back there, I thought that he hated his parents, what he rather be around them than me now?”

The drummer shrugged, “I don’t know man sometimes we all just need a break from each other. Gets fucking annoying being around each other all the damn time.”

Mostly Pickles liked having breaks from Murderface’s complaining and the Scandinavians constant bickering. He could understand Toki needing a break from Skwisgaar being on his ass all the time about his lack of musical initiative. 

“Well fuck him, I’ll just go and…..Maybe I’ll go to Norway, not to get him to come back; I’ll just go tell him that I don’t care if he wants to be here anymore. We don’t need him, I told you that we would be fine without a second guitarist. I play good enough for the both of us, fuck that guy.”

Pickles took one last drink from his bottle, “So let me get this straight; you’re going to Norway to tell Toki that you don’t care if he comes back home or not?”

The lead guitarist shrugged, he looked away like he was just realizing how gay and immature he sounded right now.

“It sounds dumber when you put it that way.”

“Look man I don’t care what you do, your fucking weird hate friendship. What are you gonna do?”

Skwisgaar didn’t have a full plan laid out other than going off to Norway and asking his young friend what the hell was wrong with him. He wondered if that would make him look stupid or like an even bigger asshole.

“I don’t know, I guess I’ll just go and see what’s going on.”

“Maybe you should give it some time first, wait a few days. Just to see if he comes back on his own, y’know? Probably fucking make things worse if you just haul ass to Norway and get in another bitch fight.”

Skwisgaar sat back down on the small bed, he rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hands.

“Why does he have to be so fucking irritating?”

“To be fair dude you don’t fucking help the situation much, like at all.”

“What the fuck did I do?”

“You’re always fucking flipping out on him when we record, kid hasn’t even been around in the band that long.”

“I don’t care he still needs to practice, why the fuck does he have to be so stubborn? Did he just join so he could get a free fucking ride, I’m sick of it. He needs to start caring about this more.”

“I’m not saying you’re totally wrong, just saying you aren’t that fucking right either.”

“What you want him to be like Murderface, just fucking sit around doing nothing.”

“No, fuck no; bad enough we got him like that. I just don’t want Toki being neurotic like your Swedish ass. Let him do his own fucking thing, he’ll grow outta whatever the hell he’s doing.”

“He’s not doing anything that’s the fucking problem.”

“Again he’s a fucking teenager, he’ll get over it. You’re the one who fucking put him in the band after all the shit you gave us about not even wanting a new guitarist.”

“I know”

“So still going to Norway?”

Skwisgaar sighed heavily, “Yeah, just not right now…I’ll wait a week.”

Maybe Toki would just come back; things would be awkward, but he would be back home. They could work things out, work it out in their own way that involved a massive lack of communication.

“Wanna go get drunk?”

The guitarist looked up, “Aren’t you already drunk?”

The older man smirked, “I’m like at level one of drunk, hoping to reach level ten by noon. C’mon man, you’re too fucking moody when you’re sober.” 

Pickles gestured for the younger man to come with him. With one more defeated sigh Skwisgaar got up and left closing the door behind him.


	5. We're Fine

The four of them sat in the recording studio in mostly awkward tense silence, Skwisgaar’s frantic unplugged guitar playing was the only really noticeable sound.

“This isn’t going to fucking work.” Nathan announced sounding irritated.

The Swede looked up from his instrument and furrowed his brow in confusion.

“What’s not going to work?”

“We can’t have just one fucking guitarist, you know that. That’s why we auditioned for a rhythm guitarist in the first place.”

Skwisgaar looked back down at his guitar glaring at it, his playing increased.

“and I told you we didn’t even need a second guitarist. What’s it matter he never fucking does anything, when he does play I have to re-record it.”

“You’re the one who put him in the band so if that’s anybody’s fucking problem it’s your fucking problem.”

“This sucks, it’s not Skwisgaar’s fault Toki has to be so fucking gay about everything.” Murderface argued glaring at the front man.

“Dude shut up, if anything you do a fuck lot less than Toki ever did.”

“Fuck you asshole I’ve been here since this stupid band started, I work my ass off.”

“What ass?” Pickles asked laughing.

Murderface punched his arm hard, Pickles hit him in the side of the head.

“Don’t fucking hit me”

“You hit me first you fucking prick.”

“Will you both just shut up?” Nathan asked glaring between the two of his friends.

The two of them scooted apart just to reassure they wouldn’t lay a hand on each other for at least the next half hour or so. Skwisgaar was still frantically playing guitar.

“Okay we can record today, but tomorrow morning your ass is going to Norway.”

“Why me?”

“If it wasn’t for you getting in a fight with him then this shit wouldn’t have happened. You put him in the band, you fucking fought with him so you get him back.” 

Skwisgaar gritted his teeth, but refused to argue with the behemoth of a singer.

“Fine. Let’s stop wasting time and record my part, I might as well do the bass while I’m at it.” 

Nobody said anything else, they just watched as Skwisgaar got up from the couch and went into the recording booth with his guitar in hand.


	6. Planning

Skwisgaar was nervous about going to Norway. The whole way there he anxiously played his guitar to keep his mind distracted. He wasn’t looking forward to any part of this; the most he knew about where Toki was from was that he lived near Lilehammer. That wasn’t a lot of information, even Charles didn’t have a lot of information on the youngest member of the group. There was something eerie about that just like there was something eerie about how Toki’s parents never seemed to speak and the haunting pictures of them the brunette hung up on the walls of his bedroom. Skwisgaar always meant to ask why the Hell he had pictures of his mom and dad, they seemed creepy, and the few times they had been in Mordhaus Toki avoided them the best he could. His parents scared him into being quiet, submissive, and nearly catatonic. Nobody knew the reason why and sometimes Skwisgaar was pretty sure he didn’t want to know.

That was what else bothered him about going to find Toki; what was he going to find?

He couldn’t fathom why Toki would go back home, go back to people that frightened him. It made him feel guilty about his relationship with his friend, how bad was it that he rather be with crap parents?

When the plane landed he felt the knot of anxiety in his gut constrict further. 

Being back in a country built on snow and ice, making his way through snow nearly to his knees, and remembering just how much he did not miss this. At least it wasn’t Sweden, no chance of running into his mother or seeing any of the hundreds of men she had fucked. 

A part of him wanted to get right to finding where Toki and his parents were, but he was so anxious that he felt like he might puke. There was no way he wanted to go and find out just how much Toki hated him and hear that he had no plans on coming back home with him.

Instead Skwisgaar headed to the first half way decent hotel that he could find in the town. He got the nicest room they had available and settled down on the queen sized bed. He absentmindedly strummed on his guitar while blankly staring at the TV, he had managed to find a horribly scrambled porn channel. It was something, he wasn’t sure if it was two men or two women though, the signal kept cutting out too badly to make out anything in the scene. He went along with thinking it was two men, he started thinking about Toki. 

He knew whatever the hell he felt towards his friend it was lame. They barely functioned as friends lately, he couldn’t imagine throwing sex into the equation. He’d like to, he’d like to treat him better. With how guilty and horrible he felt since this started he’d be willing to do anything for the younger musician, just whatever would make him happy. Not having Toki in Mordhaus for the past week had been strange, it made him think of the days after Magnus had been thrown out of their band. Just this awkward silence and the tension going through their home, nobody wanting to bring up what had happened or what would happen in the future.

If the others had come with him he wouldn’t feel so terrible, if Pickles had come along he’d have somebody to talk to. He needed human distraction, somebody to talk to, or somebody to have sex with. Sex always worked to take his mind off of things, but it was freezing cold outside and to be honest he felt too anxious and depressed to drag his ass out of the hotel in search of ladies. So he remained seated on a bed too big for just one person, he continued to play his guitar moving onto old school things that him and Toki used to play together. 

He could still picture how happy the Norwegian had been in those days that weren’t even all that long ago, just a few years. A few short years ago they were happy. There had to be a way to fix things between them, a way to reach a middle ground where they could be civil with one another.

Skwisgaar wanted to make things better, he didn’t know exactly how to go about that. Talking to others was difficult for him; he either came off as an overly confident asshole or he came off so quiet and unsure about himself that people couldn’t take him seriously.

On the plane, on the way to the hotel, and the whole while he lay there staring at the TV he thought it over and over in his head. He tried to script things out; the right words to say, the right way to phrase he was a selfish asshole. Just something to get Toki to begin to forgive him, anything to get his friend back.


	7. Oh.....There You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on starting up writing again since people are leaving comments and kudos on a lot of these left behind fan fics and I know there aren't that many active fan fictions here for this show lately.

It was a ridiculously slow start to the day. Skwisgaar found nearly every single stalling method he could think of, just anything to put off looking for Toki just that much longer. He started with sleeping in until nearly noon, when he finally pried himself from the less than comfortable queen sized bed he took a twelve-minute show, then played guitar for two hours, ordered room service, and then watched the most awkward parody porn he’d ever seen in his life. Yet he still did manage to masturbate to it, not that he’d tell his band mates that.

Okay it was nearly four, he knew he was being stupid. He didn’t know why he felt so anxious; he just needed to find Toki’s dumb parents’ house and then tell his dumb dildo brained friend to stop being a baby and just come back home.

It startled him a bit when his phone began to go off, for a dumb second he assumed it would be Toki, but Pickles number showed up on the screen leaving him feeling frustrated and disappointed.

“Hey”

“Find Toki yet?”

“Uh no”

“Are you even looking or did you just fuck off to Norway to bang some milk maid broads?”

Skwisgaar scoffed, “I haven’t seen one lady worth fucking here.”

“Dude since when did you start growing standards, you got standards almost lower than Murderface.”

The blond rolled his eyes despite the fact he knew his band mate couldn’t see it.

“Seriously though I thought you were all fucking scared he’s dead or something and wanted to find him.”

“I don’t think he’s dead, just…. What if he doesn’t want to come back?”

“Then I guess we audition for a new guitarist, right?”

“Why would we do that?”

Skwisgaar never wanted a second guitarist in the band anyway, he’d feared they would just screw it up and get another Magnus in the band, but they had gotten lucky and taken in the used to be shy Norwegian teenager.

“Nathan would flip shit if he knew you were so fucking coddling about that kid.”

“I’m not coddling; I just want to know if the stupid little baby will come back or if I’m wasting my time.”

He’d been wasting time ever since he got to Norway, just more time to not be rejected.

“Right that’s it, dude just get off your scrawny ass and go look for him. You know as well as I do he’ll come back, he fucking hates his home just as much as all of us hate ours.”

That was true, their whole group was practically made up of runaways from bad homes. There was no way Toki would actually want to be back with his parents, he always talked about how much he never wanted to see them again.

“Okay I’ll go look for him, I’ll call you when I find out what’s going on.”

“Alright, good luck dude.”

Once the call ended he flopped back on the bed and continued to quietly mope for a few extra minutes before forcing himself to dress and leave the warmth of the hotel.

Outside it was already getting dark out, the weather somehow was even bleaker and five times more freezing, the people trudging through the snow managed to look more bitter and depressed than they had during the morning. He found himself just walking around focusing on the snow coated ground and feeling like a complete dumb ass. He knew Toki had told him where his parents’ house was, but God knows there were plenty of times he blanked it out when his friend rambled on. Thinking on it now that had probably been a bad idea, maybe he should work on listening more if Toki actually came back home with him. If he listened, then they wouldn’t have fights that ended with him offending Toki enough that he’d actually leave the country.

That had to be a new one, Skwisgaar had never pissed somebody off enough that they didn’t even want to be in the same country as him. He was as good with people as his mother, a thought that made him shiver more than the biting cold wind that continued to stab against his face.

His thoughts cut short when he fully walked into somebody. His immediate reaction was to stop watching the ground and to look up and make eye contact with whoever ran into him and to scold them for being in his way, he did not want to admit he might be at fault here. He got to the point where he made eye contact, but the scolding look on his face fell fast when he recognized the person he’d just bumped into.

“Toki?”

The younger man took a step back, he shoved his hands into the pockets of his brown jeans to which the knees were now holed up revealing bloodied scabs and bruises on his skin. He stood regarding the older guitarist like he was trying to assess if he should run or continue to stand there in the cold and stare at him.


	8. Let's Cut to the Point

“Hey Skwisgaar,” Toki replied quietly, he still eyed the taller man like he didn’t know him all too well.

Skwisgaar was still too taken off guard to know whether he should yell at him or hug him and tell him to never do this shit to him again. He chose an awkward third option.

“What are you doing here, I thought you were at your parents’ house?”

Toki ran his fingers back through his hair pushing it out of his face for the time being. Skwisgaar caught a glimpse at the cuts on his fingers, the bruises on his bare arms…. Why the fuck was he wearing short sleeves?

“I am; I mean I-I was. Can we maybe not talk about that?”

“Seriously? I came all this way and- “

“Please Skwisgaar, I-I’ll tell you later just maybe we can go somewhere to eat. Talk about something else, yeah?”

Skwisgaar continued to stare at him; he felt worried, the bruises and the way his friend was dressed in the weather concerned him. The way he just stood there occasionally shooting glances back over his shoulder as if somebody were coming for him, it was all too weird. He knew it was best to not press too far, to talk about it out in the open at night like this. So he took the younger man by the hand and lead him towards the nearest café that was open at this time at night. He didn’t pay any attention to the sign above the door saying the name of the place, he just knew it was small and still open despite the fact they were the only two people inside.

He allowed Toki to lead him to the back of the building where they sat in the corner, the blond was still wondering why his friend didn’t seem bothered by the weather. He looked bothered, just by something completely different. This was weird, this town was weird, and Toki was weird. Why the hell had he decided to take him in those few years ago?

“I’m going to get us some coffee, stay here okay?” Skwisgaar announced once the smaller man was seated.

“I’m not going to run off, trust me.” He said smiling sadly.

Hearing that should have made him feel better, he knew Toki wouldn’t just leave off like that. It was a stupid thought to think that he would, but Skwisgaar felt shaken up by this whole thing. Even at the counter ordering their drinks he would look back just in case Toki planned on leaving. Yet he remained at the table, he’d look out the windows like he was watching for somebody, but mostly he stared down at his hands. 

Skwisgaar had so many questions it frustrated him that Toki wasn’t going to let him ask a single fucking one of them.

When he returned to the table with their drinks Toki placed his hands on his lap so that Skwisgaar couldn’t see just how bad they were.

“Thanks”

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal.”

There was a moment of weird secret filled awkward silence, Toki finally reached for his cup to take a drink from it. He pretended he didn’t notice Skwisgaar noticing the cuts on his fingers or the big bruise on the back of his hand. 

He sat the cup down and started to move his hand back under the table, but Skwisgaar took hold of his wrist keeping his hand where it was visible.

“It looks like you jerked off a cactus, what the fuck did you do to your hands?”

Toki twisted his wrist trying to pull from the other man’s grasp, but Skwisgaar wanted to know and the brunette was too tired to play that game.

“It’s nothing, just from working.”

“You got a job?” 

“No of course not, chores at my parents’ house.”

That answered a question then just raised up several more. Skwisgaar hadn’t ever really had chores as a kid, yeah he cleaned the house, cooked, and practically raised his mother like she was a helpless infant, but he didn’t remember anything that could make his hands look like that.

“Do they hurt?”

“No, not so much.” He responded doing his best to shrug it off, to shrug him off.

“Why are you in Norway?”

“To come and find you and take you back home.”

“I’m not going back there, you told me you don’t want me in the band, and I’m sure you guys are fine without me there.” The younger man argued, he managed to pull out of Skwisgaar’s grip and go back to hiding his hands.

“Look I didn’t mean what I said to you.”

“Really, because you said a lot of shit. There’s no way you didn’t mean any of it.”

“Did you mean any of what you said?”

“Yeah and there’s plenty more I could say to you now if you’d like to hear it.”

Admittedly he felt like he deserved to hear whatever words Toki wanted to throw his way to describe how much of an asshole he was.

“No I think I’m fine. We uh, we really miss you.”

That was gay, they did miss him, but Skwisgaar knew it was mostly his issue. 

“They make you come get me?”

“No I came here on my own, I’m not that self-centered you know.” 

Skwisgaar leaned back in his chair crossing his arms over his chest. Toki gave a bit of a smile at the older man’s fit.

“What made you think of coming after me?”

“I uh just- “

He stopped what he was working to stumble through when Toki abruptly got up, he had his head turned and full attention on the windows. His body was fully tense and there was this severe look of fear in his eyes, a moment later he rushed towards the men’s room. 

Skwisgaar looked from the bathroom door towards the window, he just got a glimpse of a woman all in black passing by the café. Once she was fully out of sight he got up and went to the bathroom, inside he found the younger musician sitting on the floor with his legs pulled up against his chest. He jumped when he heard the door shut behind the Swede, he looked up at him wide eyed and nervous.

“What happened with your parents?” 

He could pretend he didn’t know that was Toki’s ominous looking mother who passed by the building, he could pretend that Toki didn’t react like this anytime he was around his parents, but Skwisgaar didn’t want to play that game.

The younger man continued to sit on the floor, he looked away from Skwisgaar and chose instead to stare at the white tiled floor. 

“Nothing”

“Don’t lie Tokis, your mom passes by a café and you run in here to hide like a scared little baby, your hands and your…. You look like you got into an accident or something and you won’t tell me anything….”

Skwisgaar sighed heavily, he looked at his friend curled up on the ground attempting to hide the fact he was now crying. The lead guitarist approached him, he shrugged his jacket off and knelt down so he could drape it over his friend’s shoulders. Toki still wasn’t going to look up at him, he just kept angrily wiping at his eyes with the backs of his bruised up hands.

“Come on let’s go back to the hotel.”

He expected a bit of a fight over that suggestion, but received none. Toki allowed him to help him to his feet, he pulled Skwisgaar’s jacket tighter around himself as they exited the restroom.

When they stepped out into the cold night air Skwisgaar cursed to himself at how much worse the cold was now that he didn’t have his jacket, but he kept his complaints to a minimal. The hotel was only seven minutes away walk wise, Toki needed the jacket more than him. He knew if the others were there they would make jokes about how gay this was and Skwisgaar would swear he wasn’t doing this out of caring, just doing this so the baby of the band wouldn’t freeze to death or something.

There wasn’t anybody else there though. The people passing by spoke as much English as the two of them combined if not less, in a town like that nobody gave a fuck who they were if they even knew. There was no reason to pretend he didn’t care, no reason to keep himself from showing simple signs of affection he always considered showing to people, but never found the right people to share such things with. He found himself cautiously wrapping an arm around the smaller man’s waist as they walked down the street, Toki didn’t say anything he just leaned his head against his shoulder.


	9. Secret Keeper

“Do you think you could tell me what the hell is going on?” Skwisgaar asked feeling almost impatient about this situation.

That was one of the problems he had regarding Toki’s family; it was nothing but mystery, it was legitimately like some God awful cult you heard about on the news. Toki never wanted to explain things and if he ever did he did it in a way that made you nearly believe that what he told you was perfectly normal. Skwisgaar wondered if he could get any explanation for his cuts and bruises, for why he was so scared of seeing his mother passing by, or why the hell he would prefer being in Norway scared and injured than at home.

“Nothing is going on” 

“Really, you’re still doing this?”

“Doing what, I’m not doing anything. You’re the one who came here to get me, I never asked you to.”

Skwisgaar sighed heavily, Toki sat on the hotel room bed with his arms crossed over his chest and just glared up at him. It was like arguing with a stubborn child, it was better than seeing Toki scared all over again.

“Why don’t you ever want to just tell me this stuff?”

“It’s not like you guys ever ask or really want to know stuff about me and I thought that was a band rule that we don’t talk about personal things because it’s gay and stupid.”

“I’m the only one here, I don’t even have any of our dumb servants here. So who fucking cares about the stupid band rule?”

Nathan did, hell Skwisgaar helped him put it in place back in the beginning. Just he quickly forgot about why that rule existed, he still wasn’t entirely sure. He had too much burning curiosity to care why he shouldn’t want to know about what Toki’s parents did to him.

“So you really want to know?” Toki asked double checking.

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes and tapped his foot against the floor.

“Yes Tokis I want to know what’s going on, I mean it.”

The younger man uncrossed his arms and looked away from the older man. Skwisgaar wondered if he should sit down or continue standing. He didn’t like how with that Toki went from defiant and bratty to shy and worried all over again. He didn’t like how those people changed the way that his young friend behaved and carried himself.

“I went back home because I don’t know where else to go and this was the first place I really thought of. My parents were pissed off when I got to their house, they’re still mad that I ran off when I was a kid.”

“They’ve been to our house, why the fuck are they mad about that?”

Last time Skwisgaar checked Toki’s mom often stole money from her son’s bedroom when he wasn’t looking.

“It’s just how they feel about my immoral lifestyle. I started to believe maybe they’re right, it’s really easy to fall back into that sort of thing you know?”

Yeah Skwisgaar knew, every time he was around his mother he turned submissive and scared she’d smack him.

“I get it”

“That’s how I got all beat up, mostly from my dad. There’s just something about him you know? I don’t know what it is, but he still scares me a lot.”

“Then why go around him?”

“I’ve been a selfish asshole; I sort of had this coming to me.”

Skwisgaar went over to the bed and sat next to him.

“Shut up idiot, you don’t deserve to have some ancient asshole hit you. Gods what the fuck is wrong with your family?”

The younger man laughed making Skwisgaar feel mildly uneasy.

“You know it took me until I went to America to really notice that other parents don’t do…. Don’t do what mine did.”

The smile on his face faded leaving him looking sad again. Skwisgaar placed a hand over his, thumb rubbing against the cuts and bruises.

“If by any stupid chance I got a girl pregnant and…...and she had my baby, I’d treat my kid like my dad treats me wouldn’t I?”

“Toki I know you better than that, mostly I know that you’re too paranoid to accidentally get a lady pregnant and also I know you wouldn’t hurt anybody like that.”

Toki furrowed his brow, he looked frustrated and confused.

“You don’t know that, you don’t even know what my dad did to me or the reasons why. I know when I joined the band you guys would hold secret closet meetings about why I have all these scars on my sides and back.”

To be fair Skwisgaar had always hated those meetings, they made him feel like an asshole gossiping about why their new teenage guitarist looked so beat up.

“We also used to have meetings about Nathan’s hair extensions, come on Tokis it isn’t anything against you. I never cared about those dumb meetings anyway.”

“I think you’re the only one in the band I ever really wanted to tell things to.”

“So why don’t you?”

Toki smirked and looked at him, “Well usually you have five or six ladies in your room and when you aren’t screwing slutty groupies you’re hung over playing guitar in the kitchen…...Never a great time to talk about deep stuff, you know?”

“Well there’s no groupies here and I’m pretty sober, we can talk if you want.”

The younger man laughed, Skwisgaar glared at him.

“What’s funny?”

“You, you’ve been so weird today like you miss me or something. As for talking, I think I rather sleep now.”

“Oh…. Right, I think I’ll just sleep on the floor. You can have the bed; you need it more.”

“Or you can sleep with me, remember when we shared a bed back at old Mordhaus?”

“Mostly because you were too much of a baby to be left alone.”

Secretly he just liked being around Toki, secretly he was interested in every dumb thing about their rhythm guitarist, but that wasn’t metal. That was just really gay.

This was years later, just the two of them in Norway. He kept having to remind himself there was nobody around to really give a shit what they did or said regarding each other.

“You never seemed to mind.”

Skwisgaar sat and watched the younger man carefully remove his shirt dropping it to the floor. There were bruises on his stomach, Skwisgaar knew better than to just ask why they were there.

“I don’t even know how we got you to finally sleep on your own when we got new Mordhaus.”

“You got me Deddy bear, before I was sharing a bed with you I had a clown doll.”

“Of course you did, what happened to it?”

Toki moved further onto the bed crawling beneath the comforter and pulling it up around his shoulders. Skwisgaar decided to remove his own shirt and join the other man.

“My mom found him and my guitar and burned them in front of me. I think it happened a year before I ran away.”

“That sucks, sorry they did that to your stuff.”

“It’s okay they did it because they wanted to cleanse me of sin.”

“Did it work?” The older man asked curiously.

Toki smiled at him, “Fuck no”

That was the Toki he knew.

“Hey um about what happened with us, it shouldn’t have happened.”

“Do you think it’s normal how much we fight, we used to not fight.”

He wanted to tell him that sometimes it just frustrated him how he behaved, how he rather drink and buy useless crap than play guitar, but that would lead back to square one. He didn’t want to do that.

“Things change I guess; I didn’t really plan on making you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you”

“You say it a lot”

“Like even right now I kind of hate you and I want to hit you for being such a pretentious dick who thinks he’s better than everybody else, but….”

“But what?”

Toki shook his head, “Later, told you I wanted to sleep. Not talk about all this gay personal crap.”

“You’re such a fucking prick tease.” 

Toki laughed, “Really, I thought you were the one with that problem here.”

“What do you mean by that?”

The dark haired man moved his body closer to him, he settled himself so that they were close to eye level then leaned in kissing him. Skwisgaar froze for a beat or two, Toki gave a tug at the taller man’s hair bringing him back to the fact he should be kissing back. This was what he’d wanted in the first place for a good while now. 

For a sex God he knew he was being awkward and lame, he kissed the other man like this was his first time like he wasn’t sure where to place his hands or what pace to set. Toki seemed decently patient now, he wasn’t pulling his hair he was just gently petting his fingers through it.

“That’s what I meant by you being the prick tease, your sort of clueless for a sex addict.” The younger man teased before rolling over onto his other side facing away from the blond.

Skwisgaar was mentally trying to catch up with the sequence of events, but he was lost. He was tired after so much of everything; he settled on not knowing and wrapped his arms securely around Toki’s waist.

He’d care in the morning when he wasn’t stuck on the quick beating of his own heart or how he felt like protecting the Norwegian from everything that might want to cause him harm.


	10. Early Mornings

Skwisgaar woke up earlier than he normally would, any time before noon was early for him. The TV was still on, some infomercial that he barely registered; it looked like they might be selling an all-purpose blender. More light flooded into the room when the bathroom door opened, Skwisgaar could smell the sweet smell of strawberry and lazily turned his attention to his naked wet friend who stood in the doorway combing carefully through his hair. The lead guitarist turned himself over onto his back and groaned, he wanted to tell the younger man it was too damn early to be doing anything remotely productive, but he was tired so instead he found himself drifting back to sleep. 

He managed this for maybe an hour or so before waking up again. This time Toki was dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed watching some morning talk show. Skwisgaar pulled himself up into a sitting position and watched the younger guitarist; he looked bored just staring at the TV…...Skwisgaar also noticed he wasn’t wearing his clothes from yesterday.

“Are you wearing my fucking clothes?”

Toki turned to better face him, “oh hey you’re finally awake”

“Yeah now why are you wearing my clothes?”

The brunette looked down at the tank top and jeans he was wearing then back up at his friend.

“Mine were bloody and had holes in them, I don’t have any of my clothes with me.”

“Still no reason to wear mine, look they don’t even fit you right.”

“No this is how this shirt is supposed to fit, but you’re so scrawny that it’s loose on you.”

Skwisgaar glared at the younger man; for as long as he could remember it had always been an odd issue in their group. None of them had an exactly perfect body, but the Norwegian was built as a mother fucker, safe to say they all had a small to large amount of jealousy about this fact.

“Screw you not like ladies really even like all those muscles or anything.”

Toki laughed, “Yeah but you always look so I know you like it.”

He wasn’t sure if he was into it or annoyed by that small smugness the rhythm guitarist had. 

“No I don’t, it’s stupid you look dumb like some baby animal or something.”

Toki rolled his eyes at the failed insult.

“You really like arguing with me don’t you?”

He didn’t, it was just the way he knew to communicate.

“You’re stubborn and a complete brat it’s not like I want to argue.”

“That’s how we ended up here in the first place.” The brunette pointed out.

Skwisgaar stopped talking.

“Sorry” 

“Rare to hear you say that”

The older man shrugged, it felt odd to apologize. It wasn’t like he couldn’t, he was fully capable of apologizing and capable of meaning it when he did it, but it just felt foreign to say it to his friend. 

“So when do you think we should head back home?”

“I’m not sure if I want to go back with you or not.” 

“I thought we decided you were”

“We didn’t decide anything”

Skwisgaar moved from under the covers and seated himself by the younger musician.

“Okay so what now?”

“Do you really regret putting me in Dethklok?”

“Not really…”

Toki glared at him, “Okay I don’t regret it, I put you in our band for a reason.”

Okay a few reasons, some of those reasons he never really understood. He just knew this was somebody different than every other person he had to deal with.

“What reason?”

“You made me feel different about music; it just was such a chore and I was so focused on being superior instead of enjoying it. Then when I was playing against you it didn’t feel like that.” 

Skwisgaar smiled, “It felt like when I was a kid and first started playing, back when it made me happy.”

He couldn’t pinpoint the moment he lost that passion or that innocent enjoyment of music, but it had died just as fast as the rest of his innocence.

“Then what happened to us?”

“I really don’t know, what’s the difference anyway? Your part of the biggest band in the world, can have any woman you want. Fuck you can own your own country if you wanted, do you want me to order room service or go out to eat?” 

He loved the thought of not talking about things anymore. He did not come from a household where people talked about their problems or their feelings, he knew talking about it could potentially make things worse between them.

“Just order room service, I don’t really feel that comfortable going out.”

Skwisgaar moved back to the head of the bed and grabbed the phone off the night stand, he called in ordering half of their menu and telling them to hurry it up before hanging up.

“You ever think maybe I don’t want stuff?” Toki asked picking back up on where they had been before Skwisgaar attempted to divert the conversation completely.

The lead guitarist leaned back against the wall and sighed heavily.

“Really, because you seem into buying all kinds of useless shit.”

His friend had a real problem when it came to shopping, he shopped like a girl.

“I don’t really care about being rich, I just like being around you guys. I like being able to wear what I want to wear and do things my parents didn’t allow.”

The older man smirked, “I’m not entirely sure why you want to be around us, we aren’t really great people.”

Opposite of great really.

“You took me in, you gave me new clothes and my own room, and nobody ever hurt me. That sort of always meant a lot to me.”

That made him feel bad again, he never thought too much about it. About how underweight and nervous the Norwegian had been back then when he joined their group.

“I don’t hate you, it sort of scared me when I found out you went back to your parents. I know how much they scare you when they come around Mordhaus.”

“It really scared you?” Toki asked curiously, he moved closer to the older man.

“Yeah…...Yeah it did, it doesn’t help you came here because of me.”

He felt an odd sense of comfort when the younger man settled down on his lap, Toki placed his hands on the older man’s arms.

“So if I go back with you are things going to be different or are we just gonna keep fighting all the time?”

“I don’t know; I guess we can work on it. We’ll worry about it later”

Skwisgaar knew in a week or so back in America they would be at each other’s throats, Toki had to know that as well. It was no good saying they wouldn’t be fighting when the both knew that was utter bull shit. 

He was still in the phase where he worried anything he said wrong could lead to Toki running off back to his parents’ house, that was the last thing he wanted.

When Toki kissed him it reassured him that he hadn’t majorly offended the guitarist so far. It just took a second or two for Skwisgaar to kiss him back. He placed his hands on the younger man’s thighs gently squeezing.

Toki kissed down along the side of his neck, he moved his hands from Skwisgaar’s arms to his waist running calloused fingers against his skin. The Swede moved a hand to the back of his friend’s head tangling his fingers thick brown hair giving a firm tug. Toki lifted his head to look up at the older man, he smiled up at him. 

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to make you run away.”

The younger man started to say something in response, but stopped short when a hotel worker knocked on their door and announced he had the food they had ordered. Toki removed himself from Skwisgaar’s lap and went to the door retrieving their meals. The blond remained on the bed with the taste of his best friend on his lips, he did his best to pretend he didn’t want to just watch him. 

By this point he was barely interested in food, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to get back to talking about things. He didn’t have too many intelligent things to say, he’d stay mostly quiet for now. Toki didn’t seem to mind, he was already loading up on food and waiting patiently for Skwisgaar to do the same.

The blond got what he considered a lot for himself then settled back in his place on the bed with his back against the wall.

“You never eat that much do you?” Toki asked watching the older man and the little amount of food he had on his plate.

Mostly he stabbed at eggs and sausage with his fork.

“No not really”

“Why?”

“Most times I forget to work, but other than that I guess…. I’m not sure”

“There has to be some reason”

“Okay we didn’t really have much food when I was growing up, I didn’t have food growing up.”

His mom had plenty, every time she went out she got a nice meal for herself and yet nothing for her young son. She never seemed overly concerned with his frail frame or the times he would be outside eating snow just for something.

“That sucks, I didn’t know that.”

“Nobody does really, if you haven’t noticed none of us share much.”

The younger man smiled a bit, “Yeah I’ve noticed, but you usually tell me stuff and I tell you some things when I can.”

“Not that much lately”

Toki sat his plate on the tray, “What do you wanna know?”

“What happened at your parents’ house.”

“I told you”

“Not that much”

Skwisgaar sat his plate to the side as well, he’d barely touched anything but that wasn’t new.

“Okay my mom hit me, they dragged me into the house and threw me on the floor. They yelled at me for running away from home, for disgracing my father’s name and making them look blasphemous. I did get to sleep in my old room, but then I had to get up early so I could go out and do chores…. I just, there was something about it Skwisgaar. I know I’m not some little kid anymore, but the second I was in that house I felt like I did when I was little. I felt like I couldn’t stand up to them or defend myself and I’m not even sure what gave me the courage to get the fuck out of there when I did.”

The older man placed a hand over top of his friend’s.

“You know I really hate your parents Toki.”

“I think I do too, but it feels really wrong to say that or feel it. They raised me so I owe them something. The bible says I should respect them because they gave me life.”

“You know as well as I do that all of that is utter bull shit. Just because two people screw and create a child doesn’t mean they deserve that kid to respect them.”

That would be like him asking all his illegitimate children to treat him like a real father when he didn’t even know how many he even had.

“But,”

“No fuck that stuff they told you as a kid and what they told you now. You’re not some sinner going to Hell”

“How do you know? I’ve been having sex with tons of ladies, I drink and do drugs, and I like men.”

Skwisgaar moved from the bed to the other man’s lap, Toki cautiously placed his hands on the taller man’s hips and looked up at him wondering where this was heading.

“I know, because I know whatever God your father made is bull shit. You’re not going to Hell, if I die I’ll see you in Valhalla.”

“Oh so you plan on living longer than me, you’re really old Skwis.”

“Am not” The blond argued.

Toki laughed, he leaned up kissing him gently.

“You sure about that, about my dad being wrong?”

Skwisgaar combed his fingers through his friend’s hair, “Very sure, you didn’t deserve any of this.”

His fingers touched against the bruises on his cheek and his neck, Toki took hold of his hand pulling it away. He seemed more okay with it when Skwisgaar leaned in pressing his lips against his bruised cheek then against the bruise on the side of his neck.

“I’ll keep you safe and they won’t hurt you anymore, not here or back home.”

He knew there was no real way to keep Toki’s parents from Mordhaus, but he could always work to keep them from hurting his friend. He’d make sure of it, none of them would just let those assholes hurt their band mate.

“You mean that?”

“Yeah I do”

Skwisgaar pressed his lips against his kissing him gently, God it was weird caring about somebody this much.


End file.
